Welcome To Hellansville

About the Play

Heaven and Hell need a reset. Overcrowding has reached critical mass in both traditional afterlife options. A more selective approach, along with a new holding zone, are urgently required to cope with the ever-growing influx of non-believers.

God and Satan are collaborating on a new project: Hellansville Holdings, a shiny new development designed to meet the needs of an increasingly secular society who have shuffled off this mortal coil but have nowhere to go.

Before the project goes live, the top representatives from both sides meet to thrash out the details: Michael, the effortlessly cool Archangel, and Malphas, a powerful demon in a crumpled suit. Then enters Robert, the recently deceased, faithless guinea pig. All Michael and Malphas have to do is sell Robert the Hellansville dream. All Robert has to do is sign up. But he has to believe — a tough ask for a cynical, stubborn atheist.

Why Stage Hellansville?

At 31 pages, Welcome To Hellansville is ideal as a short-bill play, a festival entry, or a companion piece paired with a second work. Its compact cast of four and simple staging requirements make it a practical choice for companies operating with limited budgets or space.

The comedy is sharp and intelligent — the kind that works for both general and theatrically literate audiences. The play has genuine wit, a strong concept, and enough heart to ensure it lands as more than just a series of jokes.

Michael and Malphas are two of Carrick's most vivid character creations: mismatched, funny, and surprisingly moving. The play rewards actors who enjoy working with quick-fire dialogue and a clear comic dynamic.

The Characters

• MaureenMetatron, the voice and scribe of God, disguised as an HR facilitator and change-management agent. More powerful than either of them realises.
• MichaelArchangel Michael. Fast-talking, sharply dressed, efficient, pompous, and condescending. Devoted to God but not above thinking he knows better.
• MalphasGreat President of Hell. Old school, unkempt, and increasingly out of his depth. Devoted to Satan, nostalgic for pure evil, struggling with new concepts.
• Robert SpatA 35-year-old machine operator. Bullish, stubborn, confrontational, yet sharp and witty. A devoted atheist and, in his own way, a true lost soul.
• VoiceoverPre-recorded, in the style of an Alan Partridge-type character.

Production Notes

The play opens in a sparse hospice reception area before moving to a boardroom set-up: office table, four chairs, a whiteboard on wheels, and a projector screen. The staging is deliberately minimal and office-functional, which plays against the cosmic subject matter to great comic effect.

Welcome To Hellansville was first written in 2018. Licensing is available through Playmarket NZ.